Belated Update

Remember how I said one of these days I’ll actually be good about updating this? I’m still waiting for that day to come.

Hello again, after a good 5, almost 6 months of silence. My apologies for that. Life and everything it entails got in the way. If you’re reading this after the last update? Yes, I lived and that did become quite a few peoples’ problems- my own included. This will be a fairly lengthy update, so don’t be afraid to skip over or come back to read later.

First and foremost? No cancer. Per my last post, that was the number one stressor on my mind and I was cleared of that worry a little over a week post-surgery.

Second, I did in fact have my right ovary and the fallopian tube removed. It went from a “this will likely happen but we will see” to “yep, it’s coming out.”

Third: Endometriosis is an actual bastard of a condition to have and I am absolutely furious as well as floored as to how bad that shit makes you feel and impacts your body.

Recovery is, to some extent, still going on from the surgery. There are some words that you never want to hear from your doctor and those tend to be, “You’re a hot mess.” the instant they open you up.

This made my mother laugh as well as horrified her when I was in recovery waiting to be returned. They wanted to keep me overnight for observation, but Mom was on my side and gently but firmly said I would rest a lot more comfortably at home and they had people up to watch.

I don’t know for certain right now what stage it was, but I was “full” of endometriosis and the surgery took longer than anticipated due to what was found. (At a guess? Probably stage 3 heading for 4.) She took pics at my request and also per my request, gave the cysts and tissue samples she sent off to be tested the middle finger for me since I was out and couldn’t do it. No “spider” though, so I will not be the first in the family to have robotic surgery done. Damn, I was kinda looking forward to hearing about that, the machine itself is really cool looking.

Being an anxious wreck didn’t help anything but they were really kind in the hospital and made sure I was as comfortable as I could be given the situation. The surgery had to be delayed due to the patient prior having complications. They apologized to me and my immediate response to them was, “I’ll wait as long as I need to wait; the cyst and ovary aren’t going anywhere fast; she needs the help.” They distracted me with medical tidbits and knowledge, explained the procedure, what would be happening, how they’d go about it, etc in the mean time.

Like my ER trip in April when this whole journey started, I also feel like the staff at the hospital were particularly happy to see me as a patient they knew would be leaving the hospital. I wasn’t COVID and I wasn’t an unknown. I was familiar, I was “normal” for the first time in my entire life for someone and that… that brought some comfort to them, or so I like to believe. It brought some comfort to me, that’s for sure, and though I have trust issues out the wazoo, I knew these people were there to help and they wanted so desperately to have that one “normal” thing that I hope I made their evening a little easier.

I don’t remember much thanks to the anesthesia, I know I woke up in the recovery room post-surgery, asked quietly how long I’d been asleep for since being released, and was apparently anxious about having said something rude at some point. I didn’t, but apparently I’m still a socially anxious basket case even drugged to hell and back. I also remember asking if “I may have a little more water, if it isn’t too much trouble.”

My mother can rest easily knowing I still have manners.

I don’t remember the car ride home or much of the journey from the room I’d started in to the car. I remember my sister coming out the front door to see me and help get me inside. I know I curled up on the couch and zonked clear out after taking my medicine and having the first thing to eat in over 16 hours. (Grilled cheese sandwich and a small cup of soup; it’s both a family joke as well as a comfort food.) I know I slept hard that night and didn’t move until the morning when I was woken up to make sure I took my medicine on time as well as to get up, walk around a little, and use the bathroom.

It was a lot of sleeping/dozing/staring off into space for a bit. I wound up staying for three days at my folks’ place before I felt up to coming home. I’m grateful for their care and apparently my Dad was very upset that he didn’t get to make the grilled cheese when I got home from the hospital- so when he got home from work, I asked if he would make me one since it sounded good. He did. Mom and I laughed.

Three months is a long time to be on restricted activity/light duty, by the way. First it was no more than 7 pounds. Then it got bumped to 10. Then 15. and finally I was allowed up to 20 pounds for the last month and a half. I was frustrated by the end of week two, for the record. I hate asking for help and I like doing things by myself/being able to do the lifting/carrying, etc. My doctor told me to act like royalty. I told her I am terrible at that.

Her response was to say, “Get better at it.”

End of October, I was cleared to finally return to “normal” duty. My body is still not happy with me and I am still not completely healed. I expressed my frustration to my doctor about this and she was nice, but blunt like my mother about it; it was major surgery, there was a lot going on internally, and I should expect the effects to still take time to finish healing/adjust back to normal because of it. It makes sense but I still hate it. I really hate how little information and awareness there is on the symptoms of and the impact that endometriosis has on the body. Of how it impacts so much of the body and can throw it out of whack/disguise itself as something else entirely symptom wise.

I am fortunate, however, that I was able to be treated. That it looks like everything on the left side is fine, that I got a full clean up and clean out in hopes of it not coming back. I’m grateful that I had a great ultrasound tech who told me during the internal ultrasound (this was not a fun experience, I do not recommend it and it’s the second one I’ve had) that they were doing a test to see if my organs were moving properly. It’s not a test that is ‘held credible by the radiologist, but it will be documented and sent to your doctor anyway just in case’. That test helped me. That simple thing the tech did and the notes they put into my medical chart helped significantly. It helped to have a doctor who listened and who took the information seriously and worked with me on a compromise initially that turned into a, “You have the right idea; let’s get this out.”

I don’t like the medical bills and the anxiety they cause me. But I am grateful that I was lucky to have a medical team who listened, who cared, and who worked closely with me to make sure I was satisfied with my care.

I have three little scars on my abdomen as proof as well as moments of freezing and going, “is this gas, IBS, or is this the left side waking up about to go full Krakatoa on me like the right side did?” as time continues marching on. But I’m slowly gaining my energy back, the weight from the hormone stockpile is slowly dropping off (yay!), and some of the anxiety/agitation has also dropped to noticeable degrees especially around the usual time of the month.

The rest of the year can pretty much get hosed as far as I’m concerned. Between the loss of a friend to COVID to the stress the political scene has caused me to the fear of friends and family who get COVID (and recover thus far, thankfully), and the adjustment to working from home? It’s been a bad year for me. Bad last 12 months, honestly.

One positive is I picked up Final Fantasy XIV back in August as something to kill time with while I recovered. This was a mistake as well as a blessing. I haven’t had a game pull me this hard since Fire Emblem and it took the feelings that series gave me, amplified them by fifteen, and just gleefully wrecked havoc. It took me from August to early November to beat up to 5.3 (current at the time of completion) and I’m done with current content as well. (Minus the EX/Savages because I am… not good enough for that!)

As a writer? It’s been fun to pick apart/analyze as I go through the story. There are multiple plotlines going, a lot of character development both subtle and clear as glass, and a lot of very hard hitting themes and “Morality is Grey Scale” type matters going on that I love to pieces. As a casual gamer and Final Fantasy fan? Absolutely loving it. Heavensward expansion threatened to beat out Final Fantasy IX for my favorite game. Shadowbringers confirmed that in spades and my heart is still not recovered from what that journey was like.

It was the game I didn’t understand I needed until I began going through the journey. Shadowbringers in particular has been a journey in catharsis and at the lowest point of the depression episode inspired by the events of the last year through the election? It hit me where I needed to be hit emotionally, it put me into the same low point I was in via the character I played and the rest of the cast… and it built me back up. It dragged me back up, kicking and screaming, the entire way. In just a few short scenes, a few well timed lines, it left me staring at the screen with my heart both rebroken as well as on the mend.

It left me staring at my own reflection/a reflection of my own personal trials that have brought me to today. Reminders and that ever present encouragement to keep going. And reminders of why we keep going even when all we want to do is stop, where it’d be natural/normal/understandable if we did.

“For those we have lost. For those we can yet save.”

“If you could take just one more step, would you?”

There’s a lot more I could say, but that would venture into serious spoiler territory and I don’t want to do that. Not right now. Maybe some other time, some other topic to delve further into the emotional maelstrom this game provokes in me.

That first sentence regarding those who have fallen and those who yet remain is being added to a tattoo idea I’ve had for a hot minute now, because I cannot see or hear that line without it being a metaphorical knife to the gut each time. It’s a quiet reminder of the burden of being a survivor of trauma and loss… and it’s an urging to keep going forward because there is still hope out there. There is still a difference we can make by just staying a little longer. Even by just a day.

The second sentence is a gut punch and a half. I understand the question and what the second, unspoken one beneath it was implying. That one got some heartbreak and some tears from me in the after, when I was able to full process. The entire theme of that particular expansion and the game as a whole with the characters was a welcome, if frustrating, reminder to a very independent soul who might try a little too hard to do it all alone that it’s okay to reach out for help and to accept a hand when you need it the most.

I still want to apprentice under the lead scenario writer for Shadowbringer; she knows how to break me emotionally as well as set me up. She pulls my heartstrings in ways I haven’t had pulled in years. I’m loving every moment of it.

Thank you all for reading this rambling mess. In 2021, maybe I’ll actually be able to fulfill my goal of bi-weekly updates and not go on months long hiatuses.

Be safe, everyone, and may you too find catharsis and healing via your chosen medium,

– K.A. Crittenden